1.23.2006

Broken Back Mountain

A young pastor sees brokeback mountain and finds god's message. He says ...
"While God doesn’t make a blatant appearance in Brokeback, except for a church-going reference and a wedding in a church, I do see God’s heart as a heart for people who struggle. All humanity struggles on some level, and God is in clear solidarity with human suffering. These men and their wives spend the entire movie trying to figure out what it means to exist with other people and trying to figure out who they are as individuals in the midst of difficult relationships. Here is where I think God shows up the most clearly. God understands broken relationships. Part of me identifies with this movie on a very deep level. It helps me express my dependence on God. It helps me to realize that the “Christian” world is just as broken as everyone else. It helps me share my hope in Christ." - Andrew Seely, Relevant Magazine.com

I don't know where I am in "god's" world or if I believe in god. Part of me wants to the other part says it can't be.

I am not a practising christian if that makes sense. I suppose it also means I am not a Christian.

How can I deny who and what I am. How can anyone? How can others tell me what I know is so true to me is not me. I am who I am, I didn't wake up and become who I am. I did not have a choice to be gay or straight. The right wing evangelical christian leadership does not know me, they don't want too. If they did, they would have to acknowledge I really was who I say I am.

Brokeback Mountain is the first mainstream media piece in a long time to tell it like it is. To say this is how it happens for so many. How many more lives are going to be destroyed due to an effort of the Christian Right's leaderships to make criminals of all of us.

Here in Canada we will elect today 130 to 150 such people. People that have decided themselves I am not who I am. I am a deviant, pervert or at best a lost soul.

It use to bother me alot. I recall when I was in grade 10, realizing I was different from the other boys. I did not want to date girls. I did not know if I was gay, I did know I was different. I went to the library that day, looked up homosexual in the dictionary. It said I was a deviant.

I scoured the Library for more information and guess what, not much was there. I was alone in the world. I had this big troubling thing to discuss, this huge weight. I wanted to tell my best friend, but that seemed unwise. I know today I could have but then it was way too risky.

Telling the counsellor at school was also risky. Would they tell my parents? Would they send me to a doctor? What words of wisdom would they fill me with? Send me to church?

I was a little lost. I met up one day with these mormon recruiters. They were likely 20 or 21 and god awful cute. I was hooked and still did not know really why I was. They were kind, considerate, compassinate and they liked me. Better yet I loved the feelings that emananated from them. I was dunked in Vanderhoof at 18 years of age. A Mormon.

From there life changed, the more I read, the more I heard, the more they drove me away, quietly.

We are who we are. I can not change who I am and there were a few girls that tried. I was scared to death! Brokeback Mountain could easily have been Broken Back Mountain. In respect to so many in the queer communities that have had to change, to be different, to hide who they are. The end result is a broken society, a place where no one can be themselves, living up to someone elses pre ordained role.

Today we vote in Canada for a new government. I appreciate a leader like Jack Layton of the NDP. He knows who I am, he doesn't want me to choose. Stephen Harper doesn't want to know me, if he can make an abstract argument of it, he can tell himself and others they don't need to know me either. Paul Martin uses me. He abuses who I am. Sometimes when he speaks it feels like he is raping me. He doesn't want to know me either. He wants my vote. Oh sure he likes gays, and has a few in important positions. If he knew me why would he have so many that don't know me run for his party?

My words above are not meant to single out Liberal members or voters. I focused on the leaders and how they make me feel as a gay man. I know may in the lIberal party that do support gay rights and want me to be who I am, even a few in the Conservative party. Still if Paul Martin did not need votes, last time, he would not have changed the law yet. No he campaigns again, shame.



, Movies, Films, Gay, , , , , , , Election

6 comments:

HDcanuck said...

I must say that during that hot initial seduction and fury hump scene in the tent, I also thought I'd seen Jesus.

BC WaterBoy said...

The best portrayal I have ever seen about the experience of being gay in an unfriendly and sometimes unaccepting world. The part that came across the best for me was the use of a facade to present to the outside world that was far different than the truth. It is that facade, ie closet, that society needs to know exists and to object to its existence so that a gay person no longer has to come out of the closet, but rather will grow up knowing they are authentic and real, beautiful people, not something that is shunned or brings a family shame.

Rick Barnes said...

Jim

Thank you for being you, you make me laugh, you keep me on the ground!

Rocky Staglione said...

There's a too common misunderstanding going on here, guys.

HDcanuck said...

hehehe, Rick... thanks, I'm getting less serious (or trying to anyway) in my older(er) age. Seriously though, talk about an "oh-my-God" moment... I thought I'd died and gone to California.

bruce said...

Wow. Nice powerful, heartfelt post Rick. Makes me think that now that the lunatics have taken over the asylum, we need to show the real meaning of sanity.